you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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