is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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