i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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