im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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