its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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