he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
