I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
