she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
