Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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