Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
