I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
