go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
