I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
