I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
