it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
