God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
