The beer is more important than you right now.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
