I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
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