Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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