just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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