i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
