I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
