how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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