meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
