I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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