Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
