Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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