Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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