Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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