Kiss
Puke
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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