I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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