I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
