shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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