I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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