Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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