Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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