Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
