By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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