Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
