Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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