I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
