If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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