ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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