somebody snuck up and got me drunk
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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