Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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