If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
