what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
