Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
