Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
