My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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