just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
